How to Marry the Right Person
Finding Miss or Mr. Right is not always an easy thing to do. Once you think you've found the right person, you may have doubts. Having doubts about who you are marrying is not only normal, having doubts is healthy.Hopefully you already know that you shouldn't marry someone who drinks too much, spends too much, works too much, brags too much, uses drugs or other illegal behavior, or is unfaithful, cruel, or dishonest.
If your future spouse is free of those destructive behaviors and you are still having doubts about getting married, read through these statements. You will see if your doubts are reasonable and worth paying attention to or if you are having cold feet about getting married without having any rational reasons.
Happiness and Emotional Support
Although expecting a spouse to make you feel happy all the time is unreasonable, being with the right person can bring happiness and a sense of personal strength to your life.- You will know you are marrying the right person when you feel support and encouragement about your own growth both emotionally and intellectually. The right person will want you to be emotionally healthy and able to stand on your own two feet. When you are with the right person you will feel good about yourself, safe, and fulfilled.
Related: Being a Supportive Spouse - The right person will not be negative, selfish, wishy washy, silent, embarrassing, critical, or a slob. Why spend your life with a jerk?
Affection, Love, and Sex
It is important that the person you marry is someone who is understanding and agreeable to your wants and needs when it comes to sex and affection.- You will know you are marrying the right person if your future spouse says "I love you" not only in words spoken, but by loving actions. We define loving actions as doing things such as noticing when you are tired, remembering your birthday, wanting to spend time with you, listening to you, showing you respect, calling if you are running late, showing you affection, being patient with you if you don't understand something, kissing you hello and goodbye,
- and hugging you for no special reason.
- You will know you are marrying the right person if you are sexually compatible with one another. If the two of you view sexual intimacy differently or have different libidos, your marriage relationship will suffer.
Related: Sex in Marriage - The right person is someone who you like and who is your friend. The right person will enjoy spending time with you.Your love and your marriage will slowly fade if the two of you are not friends.
Related: Being Friends as Well as Lovers - The right person is kind, considerate, and polite. Little things in life such as saying 'thank you' and holding a door open may seem old fashioned, but they do reflect the amount of caring and kindness in a person.
Great Ways to Say I Love You -- Say I Love You to Your Spouse
The best ways to say "I love you" to your spouse are usually in simple, everyday, seemingly unimportant ways. Leo Buscaglia, who wrote and taught about love, said: "Words and deeds that say 'You enrich my life' go on forever."
Here are some suggestions on how to say “I love you” so that your love for one another goes on forever.
- Make sure you say "I Love You" at least once each day to your spouse.
- Share why you love your spouse.
- Give the gift of your time by doing chores for your spouse that your spouse doesn't like to do, such as folding the clothes, running an errand, washing the car, etc.
- Don't forget anniversaries and birthdays.
- Smile.
- Schedule date nights.
- Blow a kiss from across the room.
- Serve breakfast in bed. Video: How to Make Breakfast in Bed
- Dance with your spouse in your own living room.
- Hold hands.
- Plan and cook a meal together.
- Say I love you in a different language.
Friendship in Your Marriage
Dickens’ book, A Tale of Two Cities is one of the classic examples of what friendship means -- to "lay down one’s life."
For marital friendship to be successful, your friendship needs to go beyond selfish love. You simply can not play the "I’ll give if you give" game. To be willing to lay down one’s life is to let go of game-playing in your marriage and to be willing to give even if you are not being given to.
After listening to them talk, we thought that writing to each other would be a good beginning. We suggested that they write a small note to one another on a daily basis.The husband absolutely refused. The wife, who heard us when we mentioned that marriage was a 100/100 proposition, decided to write him a note each day any way.He refused to read the notes. So, at night, when he was asleep, she would sit on the edge of the bed and read her love notes out loud to him. She did this nightly for six months.He finally sat up one evening and said, ‘OK...if our relationship means that much to you, I’ll write too.’
Game-playing in your marriage is not just the big games married couples sometimes play with one another. You need to notice the little games such as waiting for the toilet paper to be replaced or measuring how long it takes for the other to take out the trash.
True friends, especially friends married to one another, want to make life better for each other. Married life should be more than just survival or coping. Hopefully you are enriching one another's life. If you don’t know how to do this, ask your spouse.
So ... back to the bottom line. Are you, as a married couple, friends? What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? What do you need to do to be more "friendly" with one another?
Dialogue Question: How does looking at your marriage in terms of friendship make you feel?
Dr. Gary Chapman, Christian counselor and author of The Five Love Languages (Compare Prices), writes about the importance of being able to express love to your spouse in a way that your spouse can understand. He calls this type of communicating using the five love languages.
- Words of AffirmationThis is when you say how nice your spouse looks, or how great the dinner tasted. These words will also build your mate's self image and confidence.
- Quality TimeSome spouses believe that being together, doing things together and focusing in on one another is the best way to show love. If this is your partner's love language, turn off the TV now and then and give one another some undivided attention.
- Gifts
It is universal in human cultures to give gifts. They don't have to be expensive to send a powerful message of love. Spouses who forget a birthday or anniversary or who never give gifts to someone who truly enjoys gift giving will find themselves with a spouse who feels neglected and unloved. - Acts of ServiceDiscovering how you can best do something for your spouse will require time and creativity. These acts of service like vacuuming, hanging a bird feeder, planting a garden, etc., need to be done with joy in order to be perceived as a gift of love.
- Physical TouchSometimes just stroking your spouse's back, holding hands, or a peck on the cheek will fulfill this need.
Determining Your Own Love Language
Since you may be speaking what you need, you can discover your own love language by asking yourself these questions:- How do I express love to others?
- What do I complain about the most?
- What do I request most often?
Speaking in your spouse's love language probably won't be natural for you. Dr. Chapman says, "We're not talking comfort. We're talking love. Love is something we do for someone else. So often couples love one another but they aren't connecting. They are sincere, but sincerity isn't enough."
Emotional Experiences
The number one emotional experience reported by folks is feeling the presence of God in their lives. The emotional high of being in love (which generally lasts around 2 years) is the second highest emotional experience that people reportedly have.That is why it can be so difficult to try and talk some sense into someone who is in the midst of falling in love. Chapman stated that obsessive love can render people mentally incompetent. "There's not much difference between being in love and being insane."
